one of my friends phoned yesterday. i was informed that our adviser from our senior year in higschool called forth a reunion of some sort. geezers, imagine the shock i had!

what immediately came to me was the excitement of seeing my previous classmates, then the curiosity of how things were going for them in that short span of separation. oh my, it's just been almost four years but i feel like i haven't seen them for eons. i wonder how they are now. i wonder how much college life and the flashes of adulthood changed them. i wonder if my crushes back then would still have the charms to make me all shaking and tense. i wonder if i'd see my past flame.

suddenly, i stopped the questions that were hogging my mind like a great deluge. how about me? am i who i was? what changed? nothing? what would they see when they look at me?

i faced a mirror. what's the difference? i grew a little chubbier and right now, i have an acne attack. such a wrong timing. if i did attend that thing, what would i wear? i just got my new shoes robbed out of me. i haven't really added that much to my pile of clothes. almost all the clothes i suit myself with are basically the same ones i had back then. i then had the urge to upgrade my phone... i wanted something new, something that can be classified as change. with a unfomfortable jolt, i just realized the importance of superficiality---one thing i pushed to the sidelines after having donned my graduation toga.

i wished i already had my internship at a known company in the ortigas center or in libis. i had the urge to make them feel that i'm successful in my dealings... that i'm following the path that i started in highschool. but what's happened to me? i bummed around. i'm not in control of my life. i don't want them looking down on me.

heck, it's like highschool all over again. i've reverted into this insecure, esteem-conscious brat from before. it can't really reason out why i'm feeling this. i can't be my lawyer on this one.

this is what i'm feeling. that's the only justification i know.