as life is a gamble, the cards that lay face-down on our table can hold the most unexpected suits.

this month has been one erratic trapeze freak show littered with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. from being slumped in dementing solitude to coming out of the debilitating philosophies that used to run the gears of my life, it has all been crazy.

who would have thought that someone like me who almost lost all faith in God would come running back like a kid longing for comfort? i used to think that i got it all figured out, that my reasoning was as astute as any one hundred-year-old sage in hiding. i used to sneer at faith, mock believing somethin that isn't palpable, unknown to the senses. i was pathetic. good thing He wasn't so keen on saying "i told you so". He saved me.

everything that dripped like a bitter elixir into my cupful of experience at this point in my life was truly something. i felt a numbing pain that taught me what i should have known all along. i had a loss that paved the way for me to see how i could make a difference to people.

when my friend left, i was forced to look for answers. my mind jeered at sanity, throwing questions before comprehension was even fathomed.

it was a double-edged sword. within the pandemonium inside me, epiphanies rooted themselves in.

i'm no know-it-all. i can't comprehend a lot of things in life but like anybody, i try.

i found a person who was in deeper suffering than i was. i found a person who lost one of the pillars that he held on to.

i knew i wasn't always there for him, was never there when he would have wanted me to be there. though i owe a lot to my friend, regrets can only get me so far. what if's can only drown me in an ocean of sighs.

i don't want to see people sad. i don't want to see my friends feeling lost and alone. it defeats my existence.

i will do everything i can to not make the same hapless mistakes, not be attributed with the same damned shortcomings.

i'm still trying to do all that i can to lighten one person's burden. i'm still trying to piece myself together to be the wooden stilts of one person.

nothing is certain but like anybody, i try. i do try damn hard.

a few days ago, i lost my friend.

weird that during the days that i has so much anger, sorrow and disbelief of his death, i had so much i wanted to get out of me yet i couldn't. i had so much emotions that i wanted to vent out. so much grief that i wanted to rid myself of.

it wasn't like that. i didn't know what to say. i didn't have the strength to put it all into words. i was sure that if i wrote it down, i would just be a reminder to me that everything is real, that my friend is really gone... that i would never be able to talk to him again. never.

seeing the words would make it true. i wouldn't see my friend no more.

i still had so much i wanted to say to him.

i remember him befriending me on a message board. actually, i was kinda surprised. i'm just this unnoticeable boring guy but he took the interest to know me. later on did i realize that he was one of the popular people of the board. funny that he became my constant chat buddy---nevermind the fact that he isn't that talkative. despite this, he was always there to listen to my rants and raves and my dissection of senseless matters.

there was this one time when he sent me a picture of his. hmm... he was a handsome fellow. asked him what the picture was about. after a few forced out clues from him, he eventually admitted to me that he was in a known television commercial. i wouldn't say he was a braggart. heck, if i did something like that, i'd be damned proud and tell people too... and shamelessly at that.

geesh. i never had good relations with the "beautiful ones". i found out that he wasn't a talker and then that. i prophesied that i wouldn't gel that well with him.

heck, was i wrong! it's weird. he became my most constant chat buddy. whenever i went online and everybody was out, he was always there. i think we had the same body clock or something. we bonded amidst the lazy late nights and unproductive early mornings. of all the people i knew, i talked to him the most number of times. we shared an awful lot of laughs together, i told him a lot about myself and he also kept his part of the bargain. sometimes, we even revel in talking about worthless, seemingly pathetic things yet we enjoyed it. at times i knew he was worn out but when he sees me online, he quickly hooks up with me---the feeling was mutual.

we had a bit of a crumple one time when i told him something about myself. he was shocked. he told me that he was cool about it though i felt he wasn't. he gave some remarks that hurt me. he got word about it. he immediately texted me and took responsibility for the things that happened. i knew i also had faults but i didn't hear anything about them from him. they don't make friends like him anymore.

the next time we talked, he did everything to make up for what happened. i felt the effort. he did it for a friend. he bent some of his rules for our friendship. in this world of "man for himself", seldom will you find someone like him.

i can't forget that one text message---the one that told me that i lost my friend. i read it over and over and over again because i couldn't grasp the meaning of the words. they were just that, words. they were words that tell of something that i didn't want to accept as truth. i wished so hard for it to have been a sick morbid prank. i waited for my other friend to text me again that this was just a crazy joke he had the audacity to crack. it wasn't.

deprivation of sleep was the least of my worries. everytime i closed my eyes, all my memories of him flooded in, drowning me in melancholy. everytime, i heard his voice.

it also broke me down knowing that he bought for me a gift for christmas this early on. they found it in his condo when they cleaned it up. that is one of the most special gifts i would ever receive in my whole life. it is a token of the friendship we had---something i will treasure as long as my heart beats.

i posted a few things on a forum board---things i wanted to say to my friend, things i realized amidst all these:

dear jec,

remember the gift you sketched for me on ym? i saved it. you told me that it was your advance christmas gift for me. god, i never did get a chance to give you something. sabi ko sa iyo inggit ako sa drawing skills mo.

alala mo yung asaran natin nung sunday? kulit mo. maski anong sabihin mo, gusto ko pa rin yung matrix revo. sabi-sabi ka pa na boring akong kausap nun, eh pag online naman ako di mo pinalalagpas na magkulitan tayo.

remember the time that we had a short crumple about stuff? i was darn mad but you found it in your heart to say sorry though i know i had faults myself. i appreciate how you came to understand me. i saw your effort to understand me. you tried hard.

kulit-bata ka one time. ayaw mong tumigil sa katatanong until sinabi ko na sayo. dapat sandali lang akong online nun kaya lang nakatulog ako early morning na dahil sa pangungulit mo. kaya di rin kita pinatulog sa text. how's that for vengeance, buddy?

i re-read all the ym talks we've ever had. i know. you'll just diss me for being so melodramatic about it. insult me all you want, dude.

iba lang pag nag-online ako sa ym ng madaling araw. di na kita makikita online. wala na akong kakulitan.

ano ba yung sinasabi mong new ad mo? di ko pa nakikita. di tuloy natin magawa yung "spot the jec" contest natin. you gotta admit. i'm getting darn good at it. now, don't you start singing that mcdo jingle.

yung texts mo suddenly had a new meaning when i read them now. remember the one that said "kung magising kang wala ako, ipikit mo lang mata mo baka naiwan ako sa panaginip mo"? sana nga pagpikit ko panaginip lang. sana nga.

thank you jec. lagi kang mag-iingat. you're a part of my life. you're one of the few good people that i won't ever forget.

it was my privelege to meet you, buddy. someday, we'll see each other again. asaran na naman yan. i promise to give you my patented jokes, the ones you signed up for at least.

goodbye, buddy. till we meet again.

sincerely,
the one you call markie kulit [15 november 2003 11:34 AM]

and this one...

dickens sent me a text. actually, it was from one of jec's friends in the business. i would just like to share it with you guys.

he said that jec had a weird job history.

"breakdancer turned model turned angel."

true. [15 november 2003 11:46 PM]

i realized...

for the people who are having something...

i asked somebody about the stuff that happened. she quoted the a line from the movie "sleepless in seattle".

i can't remember the exact lines but i remember what they said.

if you asked me a week ago if I believed in God, i'd tell you that i wouldn't know. i was agnostic and i bordered on being an atheist. when i encounter "religious posts", i used to cringe.

in the past days i have been thinking a lot. i realized some things. well, those two are understatements.

i used to not believe in God. with the thing that happened, i have to believe that there is a God. if i don't hold on to Him, it would be so difficult. if i don't believe that he's in a better place, it would be so hard.

this is the movie quote as i remember it:
"i didn't use to believe in Heaven but now, i have to believe that there is."

thinking out loud. [18 november 2003 10:08 PM]

i started making this blog entry roughly two weeks ago. what i feel about this all will never be contained in cumbersome words.

i must go on. if not for myself, i must move on for my friend.

i don’t care what the hell they say because for me the matrix still rocks! yup, i’m a fan alright.

my friends and i woke up early today to watch the movie, matrix revolutions. in anticipation of the crowds that will flood in due to this day being a weekend, we did the early bird attack on things.

as for me, i me them a little later than expected because my pants got an amiable visit from some members of the ant family---literally, ants in my pants! geesh. i took about more than two-thirds of an hour to eradicate my person of such “infestation”. painfully, i didn’t win the battle unscathed. i had nasty red ant bites on my thighs and legs. ouch!

rushing to the galleria with my friend, i got to the meeting place. as i assumed, their faces weren’t exactly that excited to see me late for almost one whole hour. i can’t blame them. i did away with the apologies though i can very much put my life on the line to tell them that i speak the truth. heck, i had red marks in my legs to prove it.

we trooped to the cinema. hmm… just as i thought. people were already there. it’s amazing how people can be affected by the martrix fever. the mall just opened but the cinema hall was already littered with anxious people. like hungry vultures, the five of us guarded the ticket booth, waiting for it to be opened for business.

since we planned to watch the movie twice, we had to get snack provisions. it would be unwise to have our tummies crackle while enjoying the “matrix experience”. it would certainly spoil it all for movie geeks like us.

implementing the early bird technique, we enjoyed the luxury of picking the place we wanted to sit in. it’s our nerdy privelege. deal with it.

to say the least, we enjoyed the matrix. to hell with all the awful reviews.

after much erratic discussion, we ate lunch at the food court. wow. sizzling plate of pork and vegetables! yum! i ate my hunger away.

the five of us were complete. what good is that if we don’t do something group-oriented, right? seeing the arcade was good enough an answer. we played and played till we almost used up all our moolah. hmm… i enjoyed it. it also didn’t hurt to see some superficially appealing people on the side, if you know what i mean. i certainly didn’t think this would be the additional activity. nice.

we went round and round the mall after. we weren’t really looking for something to buy. it was more like an excuse to chat around while burning down the good lunch we had. again, the five of us sighed in unison whenever we come across a couple doing the valentine’s day stuff. screw them all! so you’re happy? no need to slap it to my face. some people are lonely here. it wouldn’t hurt to try to walk on eggshells you freaks!

five people. zero love lives. not a good equation.

it was sunday. what do non-agnostic people do on sundays? i almost forgot but one friend didn’t. he coaxed us to go to church and hear mass. it was a struggle but since most of us still didn’t want to cuddle the pillows at home, we gave in. geesh. i've never been to the pasig church for the longest time. i still could remember the first friday morning mass that we used to attend without fail, the church songs that i sang with heartfelt passion when i was a kid. wow.

i saw old friends within the vicinity of the parish. same old place, same old faces, same old familiar warm feeling. it felt so damn good… so damn good.

i felt it was where i belonged. how many people get that feeling? together with my friends i see the life i want to live. all of these tell me… i'm damn right where i belong.

i just took an online test. looks interesting. i agree with the result.

i'm a piscean as well. i wonder if this tells me that self-love will satiate me? i'm not a snail. that won't do.

you will fall in love with a piscean!

you value love and compassion over nearly anything else a lover can offer.

naturally, you are attractive to pisceans---who want nothing more than to please their lover.

your piscean will shower you with love and affection constantly, only expecting the same in return.

dreamy pisceans are calm and drama-free when it comes to relationships.
although pisceans are not likely to fight, he/she is likely to be easily hurt.

your piscean will depend on you to take care of him/her emotionally, even when their hurt seems silly.

a piscean lover will feel your pain and disappointment, as well as your sexual heights.

no doubt about it, you will feel emotionally one with a piscean.

so, any pisceans out there for me? come and meet your destiny.

can one miss their friends too much? i plead guilty.

yes, as you may think, this is a sappy entry. damn. a few hours ago, while insomnia was getting the best of me, i texted some of my highschool friends---friends that i haven’t seen for eons and eons. it just kicked in, depression. i’m like one of those octogenarians thrown in care houses who can help but be emotional every now and then.

i was especially feeling sullen and lonely because of one of my friends. she used to be very chummy with me. in our big group of friends, we were two of the ones who always had inside jokes, had secret smiles, had an esoteric understanding of the complexities of rurouni kenshin.

she has a special someone now. i can’t compete with that. my other friends tell me that she seldom joins the get-togethers. i’m happy that she seems to have found the guy that she has been wanting to have but damn, i miss my friend so dearly.

it’s unfair that i’m the only one looking for ways to reach her. when she changed her number, i was one of the last fucking people to know. she forgot to notify me. how’s that for friendship?

if only i saw the effort from her, pain wouldn’t flick me like this. this one of the small pinching truths we have. it may be too little to be significant but heck… it still does the damage.

i’ve lost that halloween feeling.

i can very well remember a few years ago how magandang gabi bayan’s halloween specials used to give me weeks of troubled sleepless nights. now, it’s just another tv show that scares my nieces out of their wits.

there are myriads of all hallow’s eve parties going on in the metro right now. it’s more like an annual epidemic fueled by the westernized eastern culture of living the american life that we can’t really have here. the ghoul holiday is a money-making celebration put to further use by commercial establishments. costume parties are abound, people who have stashes of money to burn reveling amidst the unholy pandemonium.

i got no dinero to spend away and i am anti-social. i’ve got nothing good to say about it all.

i very much enjoyed this day tormenting my nieces, relaying to them ghost stories that used to make my spine tingle in more ways than one---stories that i’ve outgrown. i can’t really figure this out. i may have matured too jaded or my belief in such is now tidied away in vault named “my childhood”.

i ain’t complaining. i’m just a bit psyched that i’m turning into an apathetic adult. cheers!