a few days ago, i lost my friend.

weird that during the days that i has so much anger, sorrow and disbelief of his death, i had so much i wanted to get out of me yet i couldn't. i had so much emotions that i wanted to vent out. so much grief that i wanted to rid myself of.

it wasn't like that. i didn't know what to say. i didn't have the strength to put it all into words. i was sure that if i wrote it down, i would just be a reminder to me that everything is real, that my friend is really gone... that i would never be able to talk to him again. never.

seeing the words would make it true. i wouldn't see my friend no more.

i still had so much i wanted to say to him.

i remember him befriending me on a message board. actually, i was kinda surprised. i'm just this unnoticeable boring guy but he took the interest to know me. later on did i realize that he was one of the popular people of the board. funny that he became my constant chat buddy---nevermind the fact that he isn't that talkative. despite this, he was always there to listen to my rants and raves and my dissection of senseless matters.

there was this one time when he sent me a picture of his. hmm... he was a handsome fellow. asked him what the picture was about. after a few forced out clues from him, he eventually admitted to me that he was in a known television commercial. i wouldn't say he was a braggart. heck, if i did something like that, i'd be damned proud and tell people too... and shamelessly at that.

geesh. i never had good relations with the "beautiful ones". i found out that he wasn't a talker and then that. i prophesied that i wouldn't gel that well with him.

heck, was i wrong! it's weird. he became my most constant chat buddy. whenever i went online and everybody was out, he was always there. i think we had the same body clock or something. we bonded amidst the lazy late nights and unproductive early mornings. of all the people i knew, i talked to him the most number of times. we shared an awful lot of laughs together, i told him a lot about myself and he also kept his part of the bargain. sometimes, we even revel in talking about worthless, seemingly pathetic things yet we enjoyed it. at times i knew he was worn out but when he sees me online, he quickly hooks up with me---the feeling was mutual.

we had a bit of a crumple one time when i told him something about myself. he was shocked. he told me that he was cool about it though i felt he wasn't. he gave some remarks that hurt me. he got word about it. he immediately texted me and took responsibility for the things that happened. i knew i also had faults but i didn't hear anything about them from him. they don't make friends like him anymore.

the next time we talked, he did everything to make up for what happened. i felt the effort. he did it for a friend. he bent some of his rules for our friendship. in this world of "man for himself", seldom will you find someone like him.

i can't forget that one text message---the one that told me that i lost my friend. i read it over and over and over again because i couldn't grasp the meaning of the words. they were just that, words. they were words that tell of something that i didn't want to accept as truth. i wished so hard for it to have been a sick morbid prank. i waited for my other friend to text me again that this was just a crazy joke he had the audacity to crack. it wasn't.

deprivation of sleep was the least of my worries. everytime i closed my eyes, all my memories of him flooded in, drowning me in melancholy. everytime, i heard his voice.

it also broke me down knowing that he bought for me a gift for christmas this early on. they found it in his condo when they cleaned it up. that is one of the most special gifts i would ever receive in my whole life. it is a token of the friendship we had---something i will treasure as long as my heart beats.

i posted a few things on a forum board---things i wanted to say to my friend, things i realized amidst all these:

dear jec,

remember the gift you sketched for me on ym? i saved it. you told me that it was your advance christmas gift for me. god, i never did get a chance to give you something. sabi ko sa iyo inggit ako sa drawing skills mo.

alala mo yung asaran natin nung sunday? kulit mo. maski anong sabihin mo, gusto ko pa rin yung matrix revo. sabi-sabi ka pa na boring akong kausap nun, eh pag online naman ako di mo pinalalagpas na magkulitan tayo.

remember the time that we had a short crumple about stuff? i was darn mad but you found it in your heart to say sorry though i know i had faults myself. i appreciate how you came to understand me. i saw your effort to understand me. you tried hard.

kulit-bata ka one time. ayaw mong tumigil sa katatanong until sinabi ko na sayo. dapat sandali lang akong online nun kaya lang nakatulog ako early morning na dahil sa pangungulit mo. kaya di rin kita pinatulog sa text. how's that for vengeance, buddy?

i re-read all the ym talks we've ever had. i know. you'll just diss me for being so melodramatic about it. insult me all you want, dude.

iba lang pag nag-online ako sa ym ng madaling araw. di na kita makikita online. wala na akong kakulitan.

ano ba yung sinasabi mong new ad mo? di ko pa nakikita. di tuloy natin magawa yung "spot the jec" contest natin. you gotta admit. i'm getting darn good at it. now, don't you start singing that mcdo jingle.

yung texts mo suddenly had a new meaning when i read them now. remember the one that said "kung magising kang wala ako, ipikit mo lang mata mo baka naiwan ako sa panaginip mo"? sana nga pagpikit ko panaginip lang. sana nga.

thank you jec. lagi kang mag-iingat. you're a part of my life. you're one of the few good people that i won't ever forget.

it was my privelege to meet you, buddy. someday, we'll see each other again. asaran na naman yan. i promise to give you my patented jokes, the ones you signed up for at least.

goodbye, buddy. till we meet again.

sincerely,
the one you call markie kulit [15 november 2003 11:34 AM]

and this one...

dickens sent me a text. actually, it was from one of jec's friends in the business. i would just like to share it with you guys.

he said that jec had a weird job history.

"breakdancer turned model turned angel."

true. [15 november 2003 11:46 PM]

i realized...

for the people who are having something...

i asked somebody about the stuff that happened. she quoted the a line from the movie "sleepless in seattle".

i can't remember the exact lines but i remember what they said.

if you asked me a week ago if I believed in God, i'd tell you that i wouldn't know. i was agnostic and i bordered on being an atheist. when i encounter "religious posts", i used to cringe.

in the past days i have been thinking a lot. i realized some things. well, those two are understatements.

i used to not believe in God. with the thing that happened, i have to believe that there is a God. if i don't hold on to Him, it would be so difficult. if i don't believe that he's in a better place, it would be so hard.

this is the movie quote as i remember it:
"i didn't use to believe in Heaven but now, i have to believe that there is."

thinking out loud. [18 november 2003 10:08 PM]

i started making this blog entry roughly two weeks ago. what i feel about this all will never be contained in cumbersome words.

i must go on. if not for myself, i must move on for my friend.