it's the most wonderful day of the year

today's my special day! as goes with all my birthdays, it's a volatile alchemy of happy and sad.

i've been living for 21 friggin' years and i feel like i haven't done anything that made a difference to people. up to now, i'm still the young boy who fills up his day watching american sitcoms and anime. i'm still the clueless kid who doesn't know what to do with his life. i'm standing here, waiting for that elusive idea to be dropped in front of me by an immaculate stork. it's a bad thing to not be able to jump up and reach your dreams but it is a hellmouth to be, at the very least, unsure of your dreams. it's a dilemma indeed.

the view of my future is hazy. it is but a bottomless pit of uncertainty.

on the other hand, today made me realize how the little things that people do for you can infect you with seething joy and appreciation.

this afternoon, i logged on to the net and found out that people remember when i was spewed out from the earth. it's extra special when people take the effort to stick a post-it in their brains about my birthday because i'm a person who's terrible with dates. wow! i got a torrent of greetings from friends from way back too! i really felt that it was my day!

i guess it really is the most wonderful day for me despite my attacks of cynical self-realizations.

oh, and it really helped that i got one of my birthday wishes from someone.

the boy who lived on thru spaghetti

my sister granted my request. she cooked kilos of spaghetti for me! i ate it for breakfast then for lunch then for dinner. i slid it as snack too.

ask people that know me and they can attest to you that spaghetti is my kryptonite. i eat any kind of spaghetti: wendy's tomato-tasting spaghetti, jollibee's greasy spaghetti, mcdonald's messy spaghetti, , burger king's bland spaghetti, the tasteless kfc spaghetti, chowking spaghetti (if ever they put it in their menu), ketchup-based carinderia spaghetti, party spaghetti coupled with barbecue, white sauce spaghetti, traditional spaghetti, spaghetti swimming in herbs and spices... any spaghetti!

name the spaghetti, i eat it with pleasure!

your brother is not a (guinea) pig!

i dunno if my sister's making fun of me or if she sees me as a lab rat tried several times for gluttony.

me: (feeling helpless)"ang sakit ng left arm ko ate."
sister: "uhmm... check mo yung mga tablets sa lalagyan. yung mefenamic hanapin mo."

i go to the drawers to look...

me: "wala namang mefenamic dito eh."
sister: "kunin mo na lang yung isa pang white tablet jan. pwede rin yun."
me: (a bit hesitant) "pwede kaya sa akin ito? baka allergic na naman ako dito. nung last time..."
sister: "wala yung dating gamot mo eh. try mo na lang."

my arm was aching so badly that i took it regardless of my apprehensiveness. after 30 minutes...

me: (mildly hysterical) "ate, bakit ganito yung mata ko! para akong kinagat ng malaking ipis sa mata!"
sister: (calmly) "ah, jan ka pala allergic. tandaan mo na lang yung gamot na yan. (smiles) just drink four tablets of steroid para maalis na yan."
me: "haay..."

lesson learned? never trust a doctor who is unsure of the medicine she's prescribing to you... even if she's your beloved sister.

sarah mclachlan made me do it

it's amazing how an entire slew of mclachlan songs can do to me. her songs are like poems given the breath of life by music. her voice is like a scythe that pierces your very soul.

as is known to most my friends, i can't write poems when i'm happy... guess what? i made a poem:

- ~ -
you from yesterday

it's a losing battle, you and i
it's my futile attempt for happiness
and i know the mirage has to end
it has to end while i still feel alive

i've come to terms with this funeral,
a burial of the joy that has expired its stay
it's time for me to wipe clean the memories
and pick up the fragments of myself

i've already lost the person that was you
all i'm left with today,
is the shadow of who you were to me---
i miss the ghost of you

i guess this is the part when i try to move on,
be freed from this delusion of you loving me
you've already unbound me from your promises,
is there anything more to break?

i'll wait calmly at this waiting shed
longing for the you from yesterday
somebody who'll be everything that you were to me,
a soul who bears a name other than yours

i'll just be here, herding patience
anticipating for the you from yesterday---
someone who'll do what you can't
someone who'll love me back
-~-

misery loves company? mclachlan seems to be my melancholy's best friend.

sarah really does wonders to me.

the wait

a few hours back, i saw a mcdonald's plug which has something to do with valentine's day. its focus was the ronald mcdonald lifesize "statue" that you always see inside most if not every fastfood branch of theirs. night and day it sits there, seemingly waiting for something. the screen goes black and then the text shows, "waiting in vain on valentines day..." or something to that effect.

late night yesterday, i was alone watching cable---alone that everybody in our house was already in their rooms and i was there, cuddled by the couch, taking my chances, hoping that a good television show was there for me to enjoy.

it's got nothing to do with the humongous shoes nor with the yellow and red-white stripes ensemble, it hit me hard---i'm one of the ronald mcdonalds of the world.

for some time now, it seems that i'm having this endless waiting in vain for my someone. for the second time in my life, i thought i'd finally be able to end this "search", only to find out that i made hapless hasty conclusions. i was just patronizing myself, digging up joy amidst all of these. it was just me, blindfolded, tagging myself along for the ride.

a friend asked me, "how can you find that person when you've already settled for something that isn't even real?". now that i've given it some thought, i know there's truth to what he said.

it's one big solitary waiting shed for me... and everyday as i realize the minute differences between the person then and the person now, it strikes me cold---i am still alone, waiting... hopefully not in vain.

people are people, change is inevitable

it can't be helped. sometimes people don't notice breaking the words uttered in the past. sometimes they sincerely think it's for the better. sometimes they don't notice that they're slowly morphing into somebody else.

why am i always stuck with who i am? why don't i change like the people in my life?

when the voice booms, my father is back

rock-a-bye markie when the time stops,
when the voice booms, my father is back...

no, this ain't no sick lullabye for the insane and yes, it's true. my father is back to his old self again. he's nursed himself well from being hospitalized and wanly.

a while ago, he shouted at me for not rushing immediately to the dining table for lunch. instead of going with my usual way of reasoning, i just smiled and uttered to myself, "i think he's back".

chobits: unrequited love, anime style

one of the most unique anime i've ever watched ended the other day.

chobits' story revolves around a perverted yet kind-hearted 18-year-old, hideki motosuwa, who's taking college entrance test reviews for admission to tokyo university (he failed on his initial try). he came from the rural areas where all he did was tend cows. suprise got the better of him, when he ventured into the city and had his first encounter with human-like robots called persocoms.

non-techie and curious, he did want a persocom but his finances were just enough for him to go about his daily meager life. as fate intervened, he literally stumbled upon a very pretty persocom dumped at a trash site. being the good samaritan that he is, he takes her (or it?) home and lovingly accounts her as his own.

the perverted catch? the perscom he brought back home needed to be activated but the switch seems to be "inside" her. *wink, wink* hesitant, hideki reaches into her nether region and voila... turns her on! (pardon the pun)

here starts the funny story of the hideki and the adorable persocom he named chii.

eventually, hideki begins to harbor feelings for her though he knows that she isn't human. it isn't a one-way thing since chii seems to have labeled hideki as her "only one for me". as is obvious, robots and humans aren't actually smiled upon. that's the rub.

within the anime, there's a storybook that chii always reads. understating myself, it snagged my attention. here is an excerpt:

the town where no one lives

if the person meant for me,
loves only me
it's time to say farewell...
to me and the person who loves only me

even so, i want to meet this person
with that wish in mind, i travel
travel in the town where no one lives

i can be everything this person wants me to be
except be human---i can't be human
if this person can't take me as i am
then this one is not the only one for me

is there someone who's only meant for me?
maybe very near, and not very far

people's minds change easily
but feelings stay

if the time comes, the decision is mine
that i should continue walking alone
in the town where no one lives

at first glance, this seems to be a poorly-translated japanese poem but read thorougly... gawd! i loved the melodramatic tinge to it. that's unrequited love alright! killer lines!

when chii realized that hideki was already in love with her, she bailed because she knew that loving her would do hideki no good. does hideki really love me even though i'm not human? does he take make for what i am?

here is one song from the series, contained in its ost:

ningyo hime

at night, the town is quiet like the bottom of the ocean
i continue down the road by myself
guided by the distant voice
i keep searching for the soft blue light

hey i discovered myself within
and my spirit calls out to me
no matter how far away i am, i can hear it

the silver light burns within every room
i walk around hoping for it anywhere, surely

hey i found you
and so, without leaving you again
no matter how much i hurt inside i'll always be near you
i'll never release
your hand that i held

hey i found you
and so, without leaving you again
no matter how much i hurt inside i'll always be near you
forever
forever

though being with your somebody can bring you pain and heartaches, it's the fact that you're together facing it makes it all worth it.

damn. animes aren't supposed to make you cry.

i got all mushy. it really is february.

alone

after more than three months, i've never felt so alone than i do now.

my late night channel surfing prowess has been rotting and my fingers' reflexes are like that of the shins of already retired sexagenarians. i'm once more reunited with my trusty remote control and the stoic television.

they say reunions are supposed to be happy? then why am i so lonely?