flick of mine



i was surfing channels when i chanced upon the movie i've watched the most number of times---my bestfriend's wedding. i didn't hesitate and decided to watch it for the nth time.

this one has a certain affinity with me that's almost like magic. i know the lines by heart, i've already embedded in my mind the plot but every time i sit through it, i still get the heartthumps and goosebumps i had the first time i saw it. i still feel the warmth in my chest.

it's funny that, like the other 11 instances of myself together with julia roberts, dermot mulroney and rupert everett, something funky happened to my eyes.

some day, when i'm awfully low,
when the world is cold,
i will feel a glow just thinking of you...
and the way you look tonight

it may be more than a movie to me, i wonder.

quizzically blogging

i've nothing to do so i decided to take some online tests just for the heck of it. maybe they'll hit the mark.

the results proved to be interesting. the first part was unbelievably true while the second one... giggle-inducing. the test about being a vampire was amusing to see, too. read on...

personality test

markie, you're the kind of person who can usually be counted on. more than most people, your integrity seems to be of central importance to you. this fact bodes well for those around you. it means you tend to say what you mean, keep your promises, and walk your talk. there's very little empty chatter when you're around.

another way you show you can be counted on is by being sensitive to others. you usually know just the right thing to do to make someone feel valued in your life. although you're not the kind who's big on intense emotional confessions or displays, your feelings run deep.

one way you're able to show your true emotions is by being faithful. in relationships, you'll usually try hard to make things work. unlike some, you're not likely to freak out when there's a bump in the road. this is probably just another aspect of your patience and ability to stay on task.

your compassionate nature draws people to you. because you can relate to others, you see yourself as a diplomat of sorts. you prefer to avoid disruption in the workplace if at all possible - especially if you can help others avoid discord.

you are particularly intuitive when it comes to reading some people. and because of your social smarts, people tend to like being around you.

subconscious thoughts

markie, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your sex life.

on a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your sex life. but it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about your sexual encounters have been preoccupying your subconscious mind - leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

you may wish your sex life were more satisfying, or you may worry that you're not good enough in bed. perhaps you have conflicts about your sex life or you feel preoccupied with sex. or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life---even if you don't feel aware of it.

vampire type

you are most likely to be the vampire recluse!

i am here to survive, to live day to day. i create pain to release pain and live in a tormented world of my own making, though i never wished it upon myself. one day, it will all end, and i can at last relinquish the pain and the hiding and all of the sorrow. but i try to go on, and so far, that seems to be the meaning in my life. to continue until i can no longer...

the recluse hides from others, and more importantly, itself. ashamed of what it is and what it has become, the recluse feels varying degrees of guilt over the thought of having to feed off the living; usually the recluse has become a vampire against its will, or if a voluntary act, quickly grows to resent this decision.

often the recluse's physical appearance will lack the influence of the vampire charm, instead being replaced in equal by the alluring quality of its heart.

ironically, the recluse is often times a very powerful vampire, perhaps gaining power from its own aversion, or perhaps because its painful clutches to its lost humanity strengthen it.

music of the heart

clear the room
of every memory
i don't want that song back on
it's an endless maze
take away this haze
please mend my heart and
listen to the things i have to say...

it's crazy but this sexually-savvy (so savvy that i introduced to him the probabilty that he may have an addiction) friend of mine is addicted to the background music of my blog. he's confessed to me that he purposely goes here to chill.

that's a good boost on my ego---people liking the music playing in the background more than my teenybopper writing skill. no-brainer, really.

come to think of it, i really adore this song too for reasons only i am privy of.

with the rain comes comfort

so the hot summer sun is nowhere i sight and a mug of heavenly hot choco is sitting by my side. what better way to enjoy the chill of the winds and the darkness of the skies? top answer on my side of the coin: "grab the lyrics of a mopey song, quote it in your blog and interrpet it all you want, neverminding if people care about it". i'm just damned sure that 8 out of 10 people will answer exactly the same thing. don't you think?

hah! i found a nice song that's just giddy with anticipation. i'll dissect another suitcase in another hall by maria ciccone.

i don't expect my love affairs to last for long
never fool myself that my dreams will come true
being used to trouble i anticipate it
but all the same i hate it, wouldn't you?

are you one of those people who've become a little cynical and petitely jaded because of the thing that were hurled in your life? shit waltzes into your existence and sometimes it becomes part of your routine but unfortunately, you don't get numb enough. hey, it happens.

time and time again i've said that i don't care
that i'm immune to gloom, that i'm hard through and through
but every time it matters all my words desert me
so anyone can hurt me, and they do

it's so easy to put up a front. we have masks for our disposal. we bring up barriers but there are erratic (note the spelling... i didn't say erotic) times when we are unwittingly disarmed and we open up ourselves to someone. the last line need not be explained.

call in three months time and i'll be fine, i know
well maybe not that fine, but i'll survive anyhow

i'll decapitate the person who doesn't agree with this. yup, i won't be so peachy but i think i'll get through... somehow.

what happens now? i'll get by... i always have before.

markie the vampire

for the past couple of weeks, i've been sleeping early morning. i shut off the pc right about the witching hour which is 3am. i think that explains the mild but persistent ache in my temples that i've been experiencing nowadays. thanks to tablets of biogesic and trusty conan o'brien, i manage.

what have i been doing? let's just say that i got entangled into a forum board where people appreciate what i have to say. that is one of those feelings that i've been deprived of for quite some time now but these people seem to be nice enough to remind me that i matter. need i state my case more?

give me the lovin' and i come a-runnin' to yah... i just hope the nasty headache takes note of my being nice, too.

so boring that it's interesting

whenever people bug me to update this blog, i get amazed and moved interestingly at the same time. i'm probably one of the bloggers with the most monotonous life out here but i still have people who read my ramblings.

my friend says that i have this gift of fussing over things too much that it's entertaining. i guess i'd rather believe that than take my assumption that my audience reads out of pity.

disclaimer: if you've been an audience to this blog of mine for some time now, i'm sure you've already developed the skill of identifying which sarcastic outpouring is written with poison and which is an attempt to be funnily morbid.

the virgin voter

last night as i was doing my codigo of candidates, i felt empowered. i had a say in something. it was just a few minutes though---i knew that the noblest of intentions that this election has could easily be overwritten when a fucking politician screws the entire country over.

i woke up a little earlier than usual this morning and together with my sister and the old folks of the house (read: all the people of our home), we scurried to the voting precint. if i didn't know better, i'd say that last night, the streets were snowed in by sample ballots. you practically couldn't see the dirt of the road! no exaggeration here!

fortunately for me, the public elementary school that was our precint has always been known to be efficient in handling elections. with the aid of comelec's voter information sheet, we were able to locate our correct precinct in a jiffy (do people still use this word?).

no commotion, no lines---it was all good. got the official ballot from a nice lady who was, i approximate, about two years older than me. like erik santos (this starts a series of expressions i will use further on... thanks to jason mraz), i felt that that it was the moment. i quickly fumbled for my cheat sheet after having secured a seat.

i had the dilemma regarding who i'll vote as president. i could either vote for someone who'll upset the win of a popular presidential candidate who'd inevitably be an "acting president" or i could vote for someone who i believed in, despite the fact that support for him dwindled dramatically in the past weeks---his state: "unwinnable". it ate up about five or so minutes before i made up my mind.

i walked up to the ballot box and gave the piece of paper that supposedly holds the fate of the country. i walked out fast after, never realizing that i haven't inked myself up with the indelible. a lanky teen ran after me and politely reminded me of my blunder, i rushed back inside the precint and won all of them over with the alibi, "i'm sorry. first time".

lessons in life from anime

"... we lose a lot of things in life... and sometimes they are better left lost so that you may remember how important they are to you..."
--- ban mido, get backers

good. worth thinking about.

it's all about the memories

the color of memory is always blue...
for there is always sadness in remembering
sadness in reminiscing memories that once depressed the heart,
knowing that it may never be unremembered
sadness just the same in reliving memories that once overjoyed the soul,
knowing that it can only be remembered...

a few days ago, i blog-hopped to amgine's and saw this quote. it had such great an impact on me. staggering truth, i tell you.

why is it like that? why do most memories of the past always bring melancholy and the ocassional vagabond tears?

i've always clinged on to memories even if they were imbued on a dagger stabbed at me. i've always lived on reminiscing about the past that made me happy, the past that made me feel alive.

...human beings are weak animals. we always need to hold on to something to live---hatred, greed, power... something we love"
--- yaiden, wolf's rain

i have the curse of memory. i remember a lot of things in detail. i remember every hurtful word, every broken promise, every smile given, every iota of pain. i never forget. i guess i am human.

loosen the grip

when people can walk away from you, let them walk. i don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you... stop begging people to stay.
--- luna najah, walk away

whenever i clean up my room, i have such a hard time. i enroll into a lengthy discussion with myself about the things that should stay in my room and those which have to be disposed of.

i have an awful ream of papers consisting of short quizzes and long tests i had from my previous college years. i still have the hand-outs from my subjects then. in a book cabinet in one part of my room, i shelf my highschool books together with the notebooks that go with it. stacked in drawer are the letters i got from friends in highschool---letters from the retreats, happy birthday letters, letters of comfort after my nanay died a few years back.

i attach myself to these things---no, im bound with the memories each one of them grasp. i'm sentimental. i have a problem with letting go.

at this point in my short life, i've learned that i can't always decide on which people stay and which people go the path away from mine. the choice isn't always yours and that's what makes life... life. begging and negotiating can only buy you an extra minute or two but in the end, what should happen will happen. live with it.

bottled monologues - series 2

i'm tired. i can only give so much.

i never obliged you to reciprocate everything i do but show me even a bushnel of appreciation. maybe you've taken me for granted to a great extent that you thought that i could go on forever? maybe you've grown so accustomed to it that you became numb? maybe it's just you, being yourself?

you used to be so thankful of the littlest thing i do. you used to make me feel that i was appreciated. you used to be a lot of things but i don't see that person anymore.

i'm all used up. i'm exhausted.