young love, sweet... lust?
 
i have this someone (who shall be referred to from this point on as "fish") who i'm crushing on. i know, i know. this sounds so juvenile but what the heck! who says that i have to be so pondering, serious and reflective all the time? i'm friggin' allowed to be childish because this is my nook. hmm... am i being too defensive here? touche!
 
oh well. this is like a blast from the past for me. this feels so "highschool" to me. i discretely blush (is this altogether possible?), nervously talk to myself and get giddy whenever i catch a glimpse of fish. damn it, i even find myself weaving daydreams (or is " desire-brewed fantasies" the more apt term?) in the middle of my hectic activities! somebody rein me safe from mischief!
 
though it's a downer that fish is hooked, it's all good. it's not like i'm prepping up marriage contracts to be signed. like jennifer paige, i'm ensuring myself a safety net and elucidating that it's just a little crush. whatever.
 
this is just amusing. i think i'm growing backwards. am i having fun? hell yeah.
 
sighs from the unreciprocated
 
i'm breaking one of my self-imposed rules on this blog and posting this filipino poem i snagged from somewhere. to all of those "eternal bestfriends", this goes out to you:
 
buntong-hininga ng isang kaibigan
 
ang sarap maging kaibigan ng taong mahal mo
 
sa mga panahong hawak niyong dalawa ang oras,
unti-unting dumadampi ang hangin sa inyong mga pisngi
at ang tinig ng kalikasan ang nag-uugnay sa inyong mga puso
sa mga panahong naghahanap siya ng paglalambing ng isang kaibigan,
uupo siya sa iyong tabi at hihiga sa iyong balikat
 
buhay niyo'y pagdudugtungin ng isang pangako
 
pangakong pupunasin mo ang luha niya
sa oras na ang lahat ng nakikita niya'y
nagpapasakit sa kanyang damdamin
pangakong ikukulong siya sa iyong mga bisig
kapag buong mundo'y itinutulak siya palabas
pangakong dadamayan siya sa hirap man o sa ginhawa
 
sa haba ng landas na tinahak niyo,
napakaraming pangarap ang inyong pagsasaluhan
napakaraming unos ang daraanan
at hawak kamay niyo itong lalampasan
sa bawat pagtibok ng kanyang puso,
dama mo ang kabig sa iyong pulso
naroon ang pag-asang sa bandang huli,
masasabi mo rin ang mga salitang
matagal mo nang nais iparating sa kanya
 
malakas ang tulak ng iyong puso
ngunit hindi lumalabas sa iyong bibig
 
hanggang sa isip mo na lang iyon
at uulit-ulitin mo pang mababanggit
kahit na ano, walang makapagbabago ng wagas
 na pag-ibig mo sa kanya
pero hanggang duon lang
hanggang sa isip mo lang
 
hindi mo na kayang mabuhay pa ng wala siya
 
siya na ang buong pagkatao mo
bawat pagtibok ng iyong puso,
naroon ang bawat pantig ng kanyang pangalan
sa bawat paghinga mo,
init ng pagmamahal para sa kanya
ang ipinapasok mong hangin
 
ngunit kaibigan ka lang
 
darating ang pagkakataon
na may taong mas magugustuhan nya kaysa sa iyo
mas makapagpapaligaya sa kanya
mas buo ang loob na angkinin ang nag-iisang
kayamanan mo sa mundo
at wala kang magagawa,
dahil kaibigan ka lang
 
at darating ang panahon na iiyak siya
hindi siya naging masaya
dahil sinaktan siya ng taong minahal niya
ng buo niyang pagkatao
nasaktan ka rin nang makita mong
tumulo ang luha mula sa kanyang mga mata
wala kang magawa kundi ang maging sandalan niya,
yakapin siyang muli
at pakinggan ang mga hikbi
na iniiyak ng kanyang puso
 
nais mong ring umiyak, pero hindi maaari
 
kailangan mong ipakita sa kanya
na matibay ka
kahit hindi mo na kaya,
mapapabulong ka na lang sa kanyang puso
"ako na lang..."
 
minsan pa, wala kang magawa
at minsan pa, pinatunayan mong
wala kang lakas ng loob
kaibigan ka lang
 
iyon lang ang nag-iisa mong papel sa buhay niya
ang tumanggap ng lahat ng sakit na nadarama niya,
damayan siya sa panahong kailangan ka niya,
ang makinig sa kanya at maghintay
maghintay sa panahong darating
na nakaupo ka na lang sa isang sulok ng simbahan
habang pinanonood ang taong mahal mo
na naglalakad patungong altar
 
kaibigan ka nga lang
wala ka nang magagawa kundi
ang umiyak
 
masarap maging kaibigan ng taong mahal mo
sa panahong nararamdaman mo
ang tuwa sa kanyang puso
 
sa kanyang bawat pagngiti
sa panahong alam mong napapaligaya mo siya
habang puso niya'y sugatan
sa panahong hihilingin mo na sana'y magagawa mong
mamalagi na lamang sa tabi niya,
at tuparin ang pangakong binitiwan
na magpakailanman,
siya'y iyong mamahalin
at hinding hindi ni minsan iiwanan
 
now, why do i feel like dedicating this poem to a fresh grad, makati banker who happens to be a friend of mine? i'll own up to this. i'll pay for the band-aid strips you might need after reading this.

when sugar mates with hunger

"... sick and things were coming out from both ends!"
--- dawn, buffy the vampire slayer

last night, i felt like i was dying. i skipped lunch back at school then when i headed home, i just opted to satiate my hunger with two slices of egg pie from the friendly neighborhood panaderia sa may kanto. i should have remembered that eating sweets to hose down my tummy cravings didn't have a good record on my health history.

a few hours after, i kept on spewing out vomit and other unpleasant substances from my mouth and i was having a crazy toilet problem. yeah, that quote above nailed it alright. things did come out from both ends.

need i expound on this?

life... or something to that effect

"she hated the love she had been given because it had asked for nothing in return, which was absurd, unreal, against the law of nature...
it was a love that for years had tried to hide from her the difficulties and the corruption that existed in the world, ignoring the fact that one day she would have to find this out, and would then be defenseless against them."
--- paulo coelho, veronika decides to die

i woke up at 3 am for no apparent reason. i wasn't restless, i wasn't troubled about anything. it's a knee-jerk reaction whenever i grope for my phone everytime i wander away from sleep. i was surprised to see an unread text i received just a few hours back.

it was my friend. he already texted me. he answered my questions. four months of them together. he's finally told me the truth.

it was a few telegram-like phrases jumbled together but it kept me awake for hours, made me pensive about how things are turning up to be.

i knew the melody of this song. i wrote the lyrics to it.

why do you fall for people who are wrong for you? why do you love amidst a losing battle? why do you still go on, neverminding earned scars and gaping wounds? why do you still fight for something that will never be yours?

i know how much he loved him. i listened to his stories about him. i saw every smile that spreads across his face when he says his name. i felt the happiness, i felt the hurt.

he was his bestfriend. they talked about life and the dreams they had written as wishes in the palm of their hands. they shared a lot of crazy and testing times where they had each other's back. they were two different people whenever they were together... they felt real and life was palpable... till someone else came along.

in the snap of a finger, he had someone else he preferred to share his being with. he found someone else that he could actually love---someone that was not him.

these endeavors always have expiration dates sentenced to them. each having a definite end before it even starts. the world heeds no sob and it does not halt for any broken soul left behind the tracks. this will be the time when you know for a fact that the only option will be to move on... and live.