five years

i was a mama's boy. i find no shame in that. i loved my mother more than anyone. exactly half a decade has passed since nanay passed on. today is her death anniversary.

she was a heavy smoker back then. with the squeaky voice of a six-year-old, i would constantly nag her to quit puffing lights. she would just laugh off my dictator-tainted outbreaks and eventually dispose of the cigar, perhaps feeling the seriousness of my plea. she also had an unbelievable liking for sweets.

i was nine years old when she was diagnosed with diabetes. it was hereditary and the wheel of fate stopped spinning when it pointed at her name.

i don't know when it started but i just realized that after the news of her sickness, she dedicated almost every single day of her life preparing me for her leaving. whenever we traveled to manila to withdraw the money sent by my dad from abroad, she would lecture me on how i would be able to do stuff even if she was already gone. i usually became infuriated for i considered the mere mention or even mild allusion of her death as just an awful joke that eternally waited for its punchline. i always shrugged off the idea and got mad at her for being casually morbid but there was a part of me that understood what she was saying, accepting it bit by bit.

we woke up one morning finding out that nanay could not speak. she suffered a mild stroke and her tongue stiffened up. we rushed her to the hospital and at the very instant that she was capable of speaking, she called for me and asked if i already took my breakfast. she was on the verge of death yet all she cared about was my empty stomach.

the next day that i returned to the hospital, the sight of her attached to a couple of tubes and cords greeted me. before i knew it, tears welled up in my eyes. i didn't want her to see how much i was broken down by that scene, how i wanted to run to her and tell her how much i was scared for her. i held back my tears with all the strength i could muster. i needed to be as strong as her.

it was the same day as today, monday, the 6th of september. after nanay lamented that she had a long tiring day and yearned for sleep, she dozed off. around 8 in the evening when dad tried to wake her up for dinner, she didn't respond anymore. we came to terms with the fact that she already got the peace she so deserved.

the heavy downpour of rain never ceased that evening. heaven grieved with me as i bade farewell to the beautiful soul who taught me that answering crossword puzzles is the best thing to do in traffic. she was the same affectionate mother who gave me unconditional love even before i was born.

mahal na mahal kita, nanay.