no to road rage

sometimes, out of nowhere, i ask myself what my purpose in this life is. it's like a visage of a hot pink car driving across your line of sight---you know that it is there, of unquestionable existence, yet you still get a jolt out of a roaring coporeal proof.

i would often console myself and seemingly grope for the answer: i live to better the life of my family who has done nothing but love me. it's a stab of guilt in the spine but i wonder if there's something more to my raison d'etre than that.

am i consciously putting myself in the middle of the crossroad, offering myself up to be roadkill? i think iv'e got to find that proverbial map for my proverbial dilemma.

one thing, though. i'm not good with directions. good luck to me.

silverscreen self-satisfaction

i have always been somebody who some people would call "friend-dependent". it's not that i can't do anything without my friends... i just prefer not to do anything without them. that's a definition.

it's funny but people who know me are amused that i am so knowledgeable about all the current and upcoming movies yet when asked, "have you seen that one?" i sheepishly smile and quip "no". i'm the movie buff who doesn't actually do the work to be labeled such. silly and true.

i dunno. i guess i didn't envision myself to be that loner who makes salty popcorn and over iced softdrink his movie mates. i didn't aspire to be the usual suspect for "fast love in the moviehouse". i had all these wacky and paranoid ideas in my thought bubbles yet i knew for a fact that i wanted to have a stab at it.

so, i did. i forked the medium rare steak. i wasn't alone when i heeded the call of the rolling filmstrips and watched them movies. i was with me.

of course, i can't be indifferent to the popcorn and the tall cup of beverage, too.

bottled monologues - series 4

you,

every time i say out loud my thoughts of you, i feel so stupid. why do you not even acknowledge them? you keep mum about it while i bare my soul to you. you are so unfair. there were times that i wished to take my words back, feeling that they are better locked within the confines of my being.

why do you make me feel worn out? i will not be someone you whimsically settle for in times when you have hours to spare. i will not be that person for you.

me

more gray than black and white

i was with a friend at lunch time, chattering time away while eating in kfc, asking for gravy refills every now and then. after some time, we lost interest in updating about each other's lives and focused our attention on the people around us. losers? maybe i agree. uninteresting? definitly not!

i have one of the best-tuned gaydars... and it was making noise as if i was planted right smack in the middle of a new year's day party.

like christian bautista, i saw colors everywhere. some of them prefer the label bisexual for it is a term for the sexually liberal and hip. some want to be called metrosexuals, a newly-coined reference to men who are fashionably gay enough to be queer but claim otherwise. children, no one can be halfway gay. when you have it, you are it. pardon the unbridled opinions.

in that short time that we had nothing better to do, we unconsciously made up a tag for them, the people who belong to the "gray area" of society... or so they say.

it was just surprising how the massive lot of them turned up in our short stay at galleria. things really have changed. dare i say that this is one of nature's means of preventing the overpopulation of the earth? who knows.

bottled monologues - series 5

you,

damn it! why do you have to be so gorgeous? each time i snag a look at you, i feel my heart skip a beat. today you just sat there at the corner, alone and serious. i felt like a fool imagining a hundred ways on how i could come up to you and strike a conversation.

i don't even know what your likes are. i'm afraid that talking to you would be cumbersome as juggling bowling pins. would you find me boring? will i freeze up whenever you look straight in my eyes like the hundred other times it happened?

every once in a while, i clear away these giddy thoughts. i see that name wrapped around your wrist and i snap back into reality. you are just someone i dream of conquering for myself. you excite and depress me at the same time.

will things always remain this way between us? oh i forgot. nothing is between us.

me