that's a (christmas) wrap!

you don't necessarily need a perfect life to feel good about stuff. though i am unperturbed in the belief that happiness is not a choice as much as it is a matter of being at the right place (or with the right person) at the right time, i say that this sunshiny state of mind is something i preferred to have.

it's as old as aged cheese, the saying that your joy is not dependent on anyone or anything. it's been rehashed, recycled and repeated like a bad vinyl record that you "decide on" having quite arduous bliss.

to some extent, i dare to say that i agree.

your christmas eve dinner isn't what you expected it to be? you pray that you were back to the moment in your life when you were a snotty kid raking in christmas gifts left and right with the whole world in the palm of your hands. you want everything to be as magical as you saw them with your eyes. you are suddenly pervaded with the urge to hop on a time machine, believing for a fact that h.g. wells was a writer of non-fiction. you are not alone, my dear friend. we can lay foundation for a cult that is less holier than thou and much more cynical than most.

i'm left at home only with my dad, my uncle and my aunt for the much hyped noche buena. i was the odd man out---the big dead fly floating on goldilock's porridge. don't get me wrong. i do love these old folks of mine but somehow, i can't exactly blamed if i wanted things a little more festive and maybe even "merry".

for the nth year now, my sister and her family are spending the holidays at the other house in novaliches. my two nieces are the ones who are so giddy about the seasons. heck, it is true that "christmas equals children". oh, how i'd love to be annoyed by their saint nick jitters right now.

despite my ranting and bitching about it, i'm ok. i guess you can get immune to it all. i am ok.

i'd hate to sound like a self-righteous guru but i don't think that the universe singles anyone out and pours that sweet extra effort to screw up your life. we all play the cards we are dealt with.

grin and bear with it. that's the way to go.

traversing rivers via gondola

i caught the teaser of an interview of this certain comedian as he was narrating the time he left his wife and family for a younger covergirl-material woman. he was full of regret but there was a line he said that irked me.


what the fuck is that about? he yielded to the burning desire of his penis---it's that raw and real.

do you really need to sugarcoat and romanticize infidelity? do you really have to disguise selfishness and seething libido as "love that defies all"? man, that's a load of crap and i pity him more if he doesn't know it!

when you feel remorse for a mistake you have done, you don't make flimsy excuses haphazardly derived from literature. you accept everything and you own up to the responsibility.


if you can't call it stupidity, it can always be referred to as love.

racing the wind once more

a year back, i was frustrated with my life. i spent idle nights typing away opinions that made my virtual audience either ecstatic in agreement or frivolously outraged. i was a gluttonous swine who gobbled and snorted for compliments and criticisms that, in my mind, were sterling proofs of my existence.

i ached for a niche that i was in an incredulously rabid struggle to grab that overhanging tree root sticking out of the side of a steep plateau, trying to hold on to a world where i somehow had worth... or at least the semblance of such. that or i've watched one too many looney toons episodes since i was five.

now, i take a step back and realize: i am happy. i am contented with my life.

though my ride came in a little late, i know that somehow getting there. this ain't an aimless road trip to nowhere no more. i'm friggin' back in the saddle!

oh, i just pray i don't jinx it.

bottled monologues - series 7

you,

i thought that i could go on forever with this. i thought i would always never mind the rope burns of clinging on to the reins too hard. i guess i've reached the point.

it's not that i don't care anymore. me not giving a damn about you and wanting you out of my life are the last things i would ever think of doing. it just became easier for me to understand that there are some things that are better left to go its path, without me accidentally being the roadkill.

you can go east and i may ramble along westward but it shouldn't exactly mean that we are creating a void between us. after all, ferdinand magellan proved something to the world. we might still cross paths and be on the same road once again.. and we will.

though i sound so sure, i'm not the epitome of certainty. there are times that everything plays a prank on me and suddenly, i'm off again facilitating a heated debate with myself. despite these, i know i'm taking baby steps and getting back my unadulterated objectivity---the tool i've always used to manufacture the unsolicited advice i gift-wrap to my friends all throughout the year.

i recently learned to affix certain letters of the alphabet to interesting words and coinciding with that, i've graduated from pathetic to apathetic.

i might get my certificate from siddartha gautama soon.

me

of swordsmiths and silver-tongued vultures

"unhappy the land that is in need of heroes."
--- bertolt brecht, german poet-playwright

fpj is dead and the politics in this country is as alive as ever.

truth be told, i might have voted for fpj in the past election if not for the scaly-skinned, tie-wearing scoundrels who infestated his presence. i even prayed for gma to cheat her way into public office (and something tells me that my "prayers" worked wonders that time).

fpj may have been a good man with the noblest of intentions for our nation but the treachery of our politicians is upped to a level where even satan himself would feel robbed of his sense of pride. they would have done all that they could to make him the puppet who blindly believed he was a real president. heck, he might even have a blue fairy fluttering along in the person of ernesto maceda!

it's still his suffocatingly media-covered wake. i'm sickened with the last minute bustle for mileage that the filthy politicos are doing. truly, they can never siphon enough. they had to suck it dry.

susan roces uniwttingly welcomed politics into her beloved husband's death the very instant she ruefully recounted every hurt she has kept unsaid for the longest time. i'm not a big fan of the administration myself but those raw words that could be easily dismissed as a grieving wife's sentiments did more and will do more than it seems to be capable of.

because of that uttered pain, these one-track mind scavengers can conveniently catapult the angst and disgust of the people towards advancing their political schemes. it's just ironic to note that mrs. poe was keen on reiterating that she "will not be used by politics". they've already secured the dog leash on her and she doesn't even know it. is this the deja vu we didn't want to see?

i'm sorry if i'll be sounding like an snotty, opinionated elitist but i don't agree that the masang pilipino has the cunning to see through the facade. at the end of their day, the person who supplies them with kilos of rice and other provisions that quiet a rumbling stomach is the one who they remember. no one can argue with the promise of food on the table and peso bills that speak volumes. more often than not, ideologies and principles succumb to practicality and poverty. ask erap, i heard he was the one who perfected the formula.

sometimes, you wish that a fabled hero valiantly strides into the scene and restores the proper order of things with one mighty swing of his sword. you hope---and that may eventually be our redemption... hopefully.

ain't that a bitch?

happy depressing holidays and me

what is with me and depressing christmas songs?

i guess i got tired being like everyone else who gets giddy hearing sleigh bells chiming merrily. maybe i already am too comfortable with that thing called sadness. oh, i just hate melodrama, you see obviously.

i was watching gilmore girls a couple of days ago. one of the characters, dean, blurted out a question: why didn't she love me?

i felt a warmth in my insides and it scared me a bit. i seem to be becoming more and more cozy with that emotion that makes most people lose sleep. that same feeling elicits long sighs from me and it's one the best sensations i am privy to. have i turned up fearless or have i evolved into a grinning little sadist?

this doesn't seem to be boxed with heart-strumming music. i like my coffee black in a lot of other things as well. i must've overprepared myself all this time, chanting to myself that solitude is something i have to get used to.

do i regret this? i can't answer in black and white. sometimes, it gives me joy being numb. ain't that an irony.

that ole' time of the year

i appreciate it so much that the classes i got this semester are all in the afternoon, just going on till the early evening. my eyes bright up seeing the towering office buildings and humble abodes i drive past during my ride home, as they showcase flickering lights and every conceivable interpretation of the belen.

passing by greenhills, i see flocks and hordes and throngs of people shuffling about with a number of shopping bags on hand, each looking tired yet smiling nonetheless. the tiangge scene is as alive as ever, haggling murmurs becoming the background accompaniment of a living christmas tableau.

the local tricycle, ferrying me along the intestine of our subdivision, allows me to breathe in the december air. i've caught myself off guard a few times, if that is entirely possible, closing my eyes just to absorb atmosphere of the all too incipient arrival of the holidays.

now, if only i could discretely dictate what i want for christmas... nifty!

bottled monologues - series 6

you,

i'm sorry if i appear too forward or if i look like i'm hitting on you. i just want to get to know you more because i feel that we could do good together. though i see that some people may be the obstacles between you and me, i'm quite hopeful.

i dunno. i guess i'm too old to fret over consequences and risks... lucky you. of course, that last comment of mine can be subject to debate.

me