acknowledgements aren't exclusive to books

trudging by in life, i used to think that i knew everything about friendship. sometimes, it really does take some whipping and cudgeling before i make good sense out of something i always put up on a pedestal.

people disappoint, i disappoint people. expectations are set up, expectations are quashed. some principles and ideologies collide, people collide. meanings of certain social tags clamor to be redefined, i act on it.

amidst this dark yet enlightening realization, i felt i should give credit where credit is due. i'm breaking a rule in this journal. i'll be mentioning the names of people in my life who spelled to me what a friendship should be.

to my bestfriends, thank you for being in my life. beyond my overdramatic penchant for loneliness, i've never felt alone knowing that all of you are just by my side...

lester: thank you for being the twin brother i never had. thank you for being just as crazy and as anti-social that we're two people living in a unique world we've made ourselves. thank you for always having faith in me. thank you for waiting for me when others would have just left comfortably. thank you

dennis: thank you for not deserting me come what may. thank you for the patience. thank you for bearing with my attitude all this time. thank you for telling me when i'm not right. thank you for the sincerity in wanting to correct me. thank you for the longs talks on the phone where we rant about and find humor in our lives.

fedison: thank you for the warmth you give me when i feel lost. thank you for worrying about how you can make things better for me when i'm stuck in a rut. thank you for going with me to places i could never walk through alone. thank you for patronizing my craziness with your own naughtiness.

junn: thank you for showing me that a person could be selfless for his friends. thank you for teaching me there are people who think of others first over themselves. thank you for finding your way into my life because friends like you are rare. thank you for being someone i can trust my life with.

arvin: thank you for sharing with me the small joys we get out of mundane things. thank you for the "good reads" and the "good viewings". thank you for being as organized as you are that you've made me aspire to be the same. thank you for leading when all of us suddenly break into song. thank you for the overnights in your house.

marydel: thank you for being the sister i've always wanted to have. thank you for being together with me as we fear life and the hold-uppers in cubao. thank you for being stranded together with me. thank you for not dwelling on the things i can't do. thank you for filling up for my shortcomings. thank you for being a few inches taller than me.

don't you just love the light at the end of the tunnel? cheers to these people who can deal with me with smiles on their faces. thanks to them, i still believe in a frienship that is true down to the very last letter.

no jack, no beans... just plain stalking

i swear, friendster is turning me into a stalker. well, i can't really blame a website for what i do... ok, ok. i've become a stalker and i've been using friendster as my efficient tool for some time now. when i say "for some time now", i mean "october 2003---for some time now". i've come clean and yanked the cat out of the bag.

just to be clear: i'm not the type who chases after "celebs" (and if i was, i wouldn't admit to it). i'm not the type who floods someone else's inbox with fanatical messages of love which shouldn't have been professed. i'm not the mold for robin williams' character in "one-hour photo".

those having been said, i'm thinking to myself that the idea of me stalking is a caricature more than being a raw truth. it might pass off to others as an alibi, but i declare that i just sniff around other people's profiles because i want to know how they are doing. you can't get too concerned about friends, right? just agree.

i almost went ballistic when friendster offered this new feature that allowed users to track the people who viewed their profiles. chastity belt for the curiousity-aroused indeed! good thing my techie instincts whispered to me that there was probably a way to turn the unwanted tracking off. i deactivated it before one could say "super sleuth". imagine the shame i would have if the handful of people i'm "concerned with" attach a name and a face to their frequent visitor! note that the shame would have been brought on by the the knowledge they'd have of me checking on them and not because of feeling the immorality in the act. let's be crystal on that.

i have this habit of reading through the entire pile of testimonials for a person. the profile made by the user tells who someone is but the collected "eulogies for the living", as i would like to call testimonies, tell what kind of a "who" someone is. it's the anecdotes and the reminiscing in them that makes it like a journal brimming with the barest essentials.

and sometimes i still wonder why i'm orgasmically entertained by "pinoy big brother"? geesh.

now you ask, who are the people i "stalk"?

when a person catches my interest, i shift gears into "nerd mode" and do research as i know it best. i browse through the profile, taking mental imprints of the information. i browse to the "heart" of the page, the testimonials. i browse through the person's "friends list" because, really, the people you hang out with somehow say something about who you are. i put the stress on "somehow". after these, i usually earn a smug face because research pays well. the next time i encounter the person in question, i'd be armed with rehearsed questions and scenarios that, more often than not, actually work!

the people who've become a good part of my life, i never forget. i dunno. it's the sentimental guy in me, i guess. people change, their lives go on with and/or without me, they rope in people who take my place in their lives, their indifference waves its hands amiably at me... sometimes i do it because i need that shot of "lonely".

wow. i reached the end of this entry then the mood languishes because of a few stabs of some memories.

i remember that i have letters to write.

bottled monologues - series 12

ancient one,

with you, i'm the stalker who is lorded over by the clock.

there really is no getting over you, huh? one mention of your name, as ironically generic as it is as special to me, pumps me with that same abandon that i felt when we were still young. my heart takes control of everything then it becomes me being all about you.

the years that rolled on taught me that i cannot erase something i've etched in earnestly. time has taught me that your name will always be on that list of people who mattered, whether they knew it or not. whether you ever knew it or not.

one look at the queue of television crap you still watch, forced a smile. things seem just like before but not quite. not quite.

you say you're the police, i say i'm the nazi. you know what i'm yammering about.

me

bottled monologues - series 13

silent canine,

i come as the stalker medicated on lethal doses of "what ifs".

i'm reluctant to say that i'm banking on hopes around you but maybe i am. it scares me.

it's an abyss with you and i've been there too many times. i'm not afraid of what i do not know. i'm just fearful that this will be like the other times before. i'm damn tired of this routine. i'm fed up with being left with an empty shell.

seeing you makes me into that little kid again but reality is harsh and greedy. i always wake up before the part where you stop being just a dream.

don't be just a dream. i need something i can hold in my hands. someone.

me