santa claus, santa kuh-lost?

december is here and christmas is already supposed to loom merrily up on our heads like mistletoes which suck the venom out of sexual harassment cases. should i be worried that i feel nothing chilly and festive? do i make sure that i'm not scrooge's direct reincarnation?

i dunno. maybe it has got something to do with wallets being as barren as the sahara. just the other day, my sister told me that she's contemplating on not giving her doctor associates anything for christmas. well, she also told me that last year but the next thing i knew, she was busy wrapping gifts like a north pole elf. now, i don't even see her doing the holiday shopping in divisoria and, forced by convenience, in the malls.

carollers now seem to be nowhere in sight unlike before when as early as october, these pesky children (and i say that affectionately) were singing their tonsils out and were making rounds in the subdivision. maybe it really isn't because of the financial burden? heck, if i was down and out, i would have inconvenienced my neighbors with my singing just to nick a few bucks.

if it isn't because of the hollow piggy bank, doesn't that make it more sad?

holiday mush and a justification

8pm. i was seated on one nook of the vast quadrangle grounds. the chilly winds were doing pirouettes around anybody it came into contact with. i looked on as a couple were tangled in a loose yet intimate embrace as they watched a ball game. i sighed.

i don't know what really happened but one realization suddenly hit me, face-first. life isn't unfair. i checked myself and went back on what i uttered. life isn't unfair. yeah, that's what i said.

it was crazy. it came out of nowhere, seemingly at least. a lot of times in my life i've just used it like a pair of cozy socks that give comfort but now, as if in a stupor, i sincerely believe it. hey, it's christmas and it's that time of the year that makes you assess a few aspects of your life. my show of voyeurism just brought that all in a silver platter.

like a locally produced telenovela, i had a surge of flashbacks. i was always in a hurry. i waited and waited and waited and when it didn't come, i pretended that it was already there. it was such a pathetic lie that i told myself and the thing that makes it heinous is that i believed it.

i don't need to conform to anyone. i don't need to be someone other than myself just so i can fish that person. if i force myself into someone who doesn't take me for who i really am then that would be the greater tragedy. oh, someone is out there who can bear with all my crappiness and maybe, just maybe, that person can also tolerate these spontaneous realizations of mine.

well, he should.