the cat is finally out of the bag. my sister already knows.

after my class, i immediately rode a bus home. as always, the two hours of idle "me" moments i had were spent on my being pensive.

as soon as i reached home, i scampered my way to bed. a few yawns after, i was utterly surprised to see my sister enter my room, all the while donning a thoughtful expression. she held in her hand a copy of my mail-delivered grades from my previous school term. the scene was just all too morbid. it gave off the stench of death.

she asked me about the grades. she mused about the situation being unlike my doing. what was i to say? it was then or never.

i told her all the volatile dilemmas that brimmed inside of me, all the arguments i desperately tried to sort out in my head, of the nights when i did nothing but try to find my way around it all. i battled with them but i always ended up as confused as when i started---my spirit doused with cold disappointment.

an insignificant twenty years of my life and i feel that one of my major crossroads---a path that only forked into two choices. it was a toss-up between the blue and the red pill.

i'll cut the bull shit. i want out of my course. just six words that caused me to lose a good number of sleeping hours---fucked my head crazy.

stuttering, i was nowhere near eloquent when i groped for the answers to her queries. i was damn afraid. i was shivering. there stood in front of me, the woman who took on the responsibility of looking after me the very moment my mom died---all of it she heaved on to her shoulders, no questions thrown. the last thing i wanted to do was put her down. i cried. i cried with shame that i didn't meet her expectations, that i trashed the trust that she gave me, that i failed... that i was stupid enough to be caught in a situation of my own doing. never did she falter in her faith in me. it hurt me that i wasn't able to pay that back.

i won't forget the way she looked at me. she wasn't full of well-justified spite or remorse for having a brother like me. she wasn't seething of stygian fury. if unconditional love could be painted on a face, this was it. she felt for me. instead of passing judgement, she understood. instead of enumerating all the things that i bungled up, she told me that it was okay. instead of leaving me with disgust, she sat by my side.

i'll stop school for a few months. i'll transfer next year. it would be just enough time for me to decide on what i really want to do. it was never part of the plan to leave behind the good friendships i made. i just have to do this.

i love my sister. i don't deserve her but she surely does a pretty damn good job of making me feel that i do.