as life is a gamble, the cards that lay face-down on our table can hold the most unexpected suits.
this month has been one erratic trapeze freak show littered with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. from being slumped in dementing solitude to coming out of the debilitating philosophies that used to run the gears of my life, it has all been crazy.
who would have thought that someone like me who almost lost all faith in God would come running back like a kid longing for comfort? i used to think that i got it all figured out, that my reasoning was as astute as any one hundred-year-old sage in hiding. i used to sneer at faith, mock believing somethin that isn't palpable, unknown to the senses. i was pathetic. good thing He wasn't so keen on saying "i told you so". He saved me.
everything that dripped like a bitter elixir into my cupful of experience at this point in my life was truly something. i felt a numbing pain that taught me what i should have known all along. i had a loss that paved the way for me to see how i could make a difference to people.
when my friend left, i was forced to look for answers. my mind jeered at sanity, throwing questions before comprehension was even fathomed.
it was a double-edged sword. within the pandemonium inside me, epiphanies rooted themselves in.
i'm no know-it-all. i can't comprehend a lot of things in life but like anybody, i try.
i found a person who was in deeper suffering than i was. i found a person who lost one of the pillars that he held on to.
i knew i wasn't always there for him, was never there when he would have wanted me to be there. though i owe a lot to my friend, regrets can only get me so far.
what if's can only drown me in an ocean of sighs.
i don't want to see people sad. i don't want to see my friends feeling lost and alone. it defeats my existence.
i will do everything i can to not make the same hapless mistakes, not be attributed with the same damned shortcomings.
i'm still trying to do all that i can to lighten one person's burden. i'm still trying to piece myself together to be the wooden stilts of one person.
nothing is certain but like anybody, i try. i do try damn hard.