bottled monologues - series 9

you,

i welcome you into my life, arms wide open, heart out on my sleeves but i'm confused. what is this?

there are a lot of things i almost equally know and don't know about you but then again, these are not of any help. this is the first time this has happened to me. i feel like i've woken up in the middle of a ridiculous intersection where every road leads to nothing but more questions.

yet, i feel good. at least i'm sure that not everything is alien because i'm experiencing once more that all too familiar warmth in the insides. is this valid? does this amount to something worth fussing about? i have no knowledge.

here i am again, playing the old game, casting the die, surrendering everything to fate and hoping---yes, hoping---not minding too much that cloud hovering over my head.

what's running through your mind? am i the sole passenger again? assumptions are deadly. i've been there before, have treaded the grounds treacherous.

why is there a sting whenever you casually narrate to me your misadventures---the promiscuity that should have thrown me away from you? it should have had.

i've done it before but am i doing it again? this time, with you as the new protagonist and i, the antagonist to myself?

this is not right. it hasn't even started yet and i'm already getting a few jabs left and right. i am no master of pain though with my history, i seem to be gunning to be one.

me

feet hurt! feet hurt!

the other day, my sister treated us to lunch on market! market!, the new mall cum activity center cum park of sorts just beside the fort. it was her birthday and because of a few hushed heckling from some relatives, she shelled out moolah for the celebration.

the place was huge or if you were astronomically speaking, it could be described as "vast". the facade seemed larger than life and the place gives the promise that it can cater to anyone's fancy with the specialized areas of the mall. heck, more than a shopping center because of the seeming "compartmentalization" of needs into certain regions. the shops inside were also fabulous that the ones that seemed to be exclusive to some malls were in a hodgepodge with the other regulars. that can be also said for the food shops. it was also very ingenious that there were lots of benches and tambay corners inside that were specifically designed for you to hang out and chat the while away with your people.

oh, i would very much love to come back!

pondering and theorizing about chokolat



is it true that some people are simply not destined for romance? is it something like being chocolate-intolerant?

one of my bestfriends recently snagged the person he prayed to have for the longest time. i remember months back wondering together with him about the time we would find that lone soul that was specifically designed for us. and now, here i am still praying, arms clasped together while he is in bliss because the star he wished on was the more generous one.

when he told me this february 14th about his "attachment", it was really an alchemy of emotions. i'm glad for him because i know how happy he is at the moment but i'm also envious.. yes, envious is the word. i'm not afraid or even ashamed to admit it.

he was brought home and introduced to his partner's parents. wow. how any better can it get? even i don't hope for that much. when the going went good for him, it really went good! i know he deserves it because he really is a good man to his family and the people around him.

i want to meet this person who makes him happy yet it would also be difficult because it might just rub in the existence of what i don't have.

what's the difference from the cynical "my happiness depends on someone else" stand before? oh, i know i'm not incomplete. i've had my shots of happy. i'm just wondering how this will all be as a shared experience.

i love dark chocolate. the bittersweet taste is the one to blame. it dawned on me that "bittersweet" is only great on chocolate and not in my life.