spending a scholarly summer



it makes me feel relieved that i'm at the tail end of the semester already but just the other day came the cold rain to water down my water-frolicking parade: i have to take summer classes!

just when i thought i could lay waste my time either absorbing the radiation from our television or soaking up the sun's rays thru a strategically shaded area of a beach... just when thought i could contribute to society by expressing my opinion detesting the horrendous pairing-up of jeniffer garner and ben affleck... just when i thought i could get a social life because i could finally lock myself up in my room and get re-acquainted with my riotous pals anne rice, paulo coelho, sydney sheldon and highschool friend christopher pike... damn.

oh well, it's here so i might as well siphon something good out of summer classes. maybe it would be nice because i won't be subjected to the scorching heat of summer afternoons. maybe it would be an ample excuse for me to drag my body out of the house. maybe i would lose some weight since i won't have the convenient ignorance of how much one cup of rice is. maybe i would have a stab at those summer flings... and maybe i'm stretching optimism a little too much.

barren

for the life of me, i can't seem to grasp the fact that some parents can be totally oblivious to their children. as people we should make it an effort to differentiate ourselves from animals who sire offsprings because they were primitively wired to do so. it is cold and dry---one person's humanity was never meant to be synonymous to ice.

i guess i'm more than lucky to be born into a family of people who know what genuine affection is and how selfless it can dare to be. the whole concept of being a family to me was not an obligation they owed to anyone or to any moral code.

although i was not in good terms with my father when i was younger, things are not as distant as they used to be. after he retired from working overseas, living with him has made me realize that even though his ways were tyranically rough and easily misunderstood, he had an exact picture of what he wanted to instill in me. at the time, it was just so hard for me to have seen it as it was because it was wrapped in thick violence that made my eyes glisten with fear. he has always been at arm's length to me in moments when i wanted him to be so and even in instances that i wished he isn't.

i lack the understanding of how people can live with neglecting someone who is of their own flesh and blood. do they even allow themselves to be called "mom" or "dad" or have they grown numb to it and ingrained into their heads that those two words are just generic tags used for plain identification? these words are not who they are. these coupled up letters are who they should aspire to be.

can you breathe without difficulty knowing that you are skipping your son's graduation? can you rest easy having a stranger fill in your responsibilities for you? can you grab a bite unmindful if your son is having lunch only because of some other people shelling up the money for him? can you attend to your daily tasks without asking yourself if he knows he is loved?

what can one possibly do to deserve such?

this brings about a certain powerlessness in me. i don't know how i can make things more bearable, if not better. what will you do if someone important to you is in a situation like this?

as for me, i'm posting this entry.